How I Scare The Other Mommies

I had an interesting (although not uncommon) encounter the other day while taking my kid to the park.

Now, there are 3 types of playground parents:

1) The weary.  These Moms and Dads are just looking for a place that their wound-up spawn can run out a little excess energy.

2) The desperate to spend quality time.  These are the ones that dash from slide to swing, never more than 2 feet from their kid.  Being a working Mom, I typically fall into this category.

3) The ridiculously bored.  These parents are more concerned with finding another adult to speak to than keeping an eye on their child(ren).

Type 3 is usually not a problem, provided there are more than one of them around to distract each other.  If not, they will hunt down an unwilling party and trap them in ridiculous banter.  Luckily, I have a pretty quick out.

The conversations start with “How old?”.  Then, there are a few back and forths about child development followed up with the obvious “Do you work?”.  Ahhhhhh, yes.

I turn, look them straight in the eyes and say “I’m a butcher.”  This is normally met with an involuntary lemon puckering expression, a few stuttered follow-up questions and then a polite excuse as to why they need to run off.

Pink Panty Meltdown

A male co-worker was having a full on hissy fit.  I am still not sure what set him off, but the tangent was epic.  It included whining, a foot stomp and a two octave elevation in his voice.  From across the room, another co-worker yells, “When you’re all done with your little pink panty meltdown, let me know”.

CLASSIC!  What a great visual.  I was in awe of the phrase and gave this particular butcher credit for his alliteration.  That was, until I realized that it was just one of the MANY, MANY, MANY movie quotes I would be subjected to.

Movie quotes are the new sports talk.  It used to be that girls had little to no interest or were sheltered from sports and therefor, felt out of the circle when guys would ramble on about the draft, scores, college vs. pro, etc.   Sorry guys, we caught on.  Now, it’s random movie quotes.  This particular gem was from Broken Lizard’s Club Dread.  I’m not trying to be a hater, but I did not get the appeal of this film.  I can appreciate cult-y and slapstick films as much as the next gal but . . . save me, PLEASE.

Gone are the days where it was just The Godfather quotes and the occasional “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH”.  Now, the game seems to be all about obscurity.

So, in an attempt to help the other girls catch up in the conversations, here is a quick list of films commonly referenced by the testosterone crowd.  Try to enjoy . . .

1) Dumb and Dumber

2) Friday

3) The Sandlot

4) Super Troopers

5) Zoolander

6) Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalow

7) Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness

NOTE:  Accuracy is key!  A missed pronoun can take you from funny to pathetic.  If ever in doubt, excuse yourself and bust out the smart phone.

If you ever find yourself bored and wanting to get a leg up, visit UselessMovieQuotes.com.

Lift The Heavy Sh*t

One of the best articles that I have ever read on the subject of a female in a predominantly male workplace is by Caroline Dunbar titled Chefs with Issues: A call to arms for female chefs.  This is a DEFINITE must read for any ladies heading into the culinary world.  She accurately explains how when things get tough, we can’t be “a girl about it . . . No, we must be women.”

If we expect to be treated equal, we have to do equal work.  In my job, that means carrying the heavy sh*t.  No showing off and throwing your back out.  No one wants that.  It’s about asking for help only when necessary and not assigning gender roles to physical tasks.

I still lift my 50 pound kid, so why can’t I hoist a 50 pound box of chickens.  I look at it as an 8 hour workout opportunity.  I’m just thankful that I don’t have to spend the day behind a desk anymore.

So, here are some other tips on how to get your exercise in from behind the butcher counter:

1) When reaching for something on either the top or bottom shelf, do 3 – 5 reps (squat, stand, stretch) before grabbing it.

2) Focus on your posture.  Being crouched over a cutting board can take a toll so be aware of your stance.

3) Try using 5 pound ankle weights.

4) Go all Rocky Balboa on a side of beef.

5) Do random acts of yoga, preferably without a knife in your hand.

and if you get a little overheated, just step into the walk-in freezer.

I Like Sausage

How about a career where everything you say or do has sexual undertones?  Sounds like an ad for the porn industry, but no . . . that’s what it is like in a butcher shop.

Butcher 1:

(while setting up the meat display)

 Hey Man, can you move your breasts closer to my meat?

Butcher 2:

(snickering)

Sure.  I really like the way you are handling that meat.

Butcher 1:

Thanks!  You should come feel my sausage.

Butcher 2:

Looks like your sausage is tight.  It’s about to burst.

(a roar of laughter fills the room)

Sometimes, it only takes one word to set the room off (i.e. – Butt, Grind, Smoking).  The main  sound from behind the meat counter is not hacking and sawing, it’s giggling.

It takes years to craft the skill that these guys have to turn a phrase from completely innocent to NC17.  Keeping your mouth shut won’t get you off the hook either.  Half of my day is spent with my chest pressed firmly against the glass (trying to hear the person on the other side of the counter of course) or awkwardly perched inside the case, butt up in the air, stretching for the farthest possible choice (“no, no . . . not THAT one.  The one down here.”).

Before you think that I am being treated like a piece of meat, the fact is that most of the jabbing and innuendo is damn funny and said with little (if any) malice.  Being a female in a predominantly male environment requires a thick skin (and a warped sense of humor).

PLEASE NOTE – if someone is making you uncomfortable, you need to address it directly with them.  Don’t go running to the authority figures quite yet.  MAN UP and tell them “Hey, I think that one crossed the line”.  If you can, keep it light but clearly direct.  I do it and the boys respect me for it.  When “the girl” is not there, they can be infinitely more disgusting, so when you clearly define the line for them, everyone is happy.  The goal is to be a team and for everyone to enjoy their 9 to 5.

Eww, That Smell. Can’t You Smell That Smell.

Yeah . . . it’s me.

I spent part of my day elbows deep in these whomping halibut.  Now, everyone around me is paying the price.  If I were a guy, the oceany musk may be a turn on.  But, as we have established, I am a girl. 

I read this funny article about pheromone-based speed dating.  Most days, I am pretty sure that I would be going home empty-handed, that is unless I had been smoking bacon during my shift. 

It’s humbling being a female butcher.  Your sence of normality and even decency shifts.  I’ve never been a true girly girl, but I do wear some make-up, moisturize daily and even enjoy the occasional mani / pedi and designer shoe splurge.  But now when I go out in public, I am painfully aware that I reek.  What is REALLY fun is when you notice (or worse, someone brings to your attention) that you have blood or a mutilated carcass stuck to your clothing.    I also LOVE finding fish scales in places that no fish scales should ever be. 

I used to spend an hour or more getting ready to leave the house and a ton of money on expensive products.  Now, I know that no matter the effort, I will come home to a leper’s welcome.  The only one who wants to be around me is the dog.   Some days I wish for a Silkwood shower where a team scours off the top layers of my skin, but alas, I am forced to deal with the fact that I smell bad.  It’s the job.

So … here are some ideas on how to de-stinkafy after a long day of cutting meat.

1.  Place a dryer sheets in your back pocket.  I am sorry.  You will not begin smelling like a mountain spring but it will detract from some of the more obvious odors.

2.  Drive with the windows down, no matter the weather.  Airing out is a must.

3. Stock up on travel sized baby wipes.  It’s amazing the improvement a little mid-day sponge bath offers.

4. Use heavily scented shampoo.  Ball your hair up when wet and tuck it into a hat (required in any respectable meat department or butcher shop).  When you enter a crowded room, remove the hat and hair tie and proceed with your best slow-mo hair shake. 

5.  Lastly, cut off the arm and / or any appendage that has come into contact with raw meat.  While extreme, this may be the only permanent solution.

All jokes aside, it is still pretty bad-ass wielding around a knife all day, even if it does leave you smelling funny.

Now for some whimsy, I leave you with the inspired words of Pink … because it IS bad when you annoy yourself.